Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
