So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
