when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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