Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
