Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
