you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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