dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
not ubering you a puppy
we're so committed to being not committed
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
