theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
