I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
