Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Randomize
