I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
