I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
