The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
