____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
