Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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