I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im calling her cock vulture from now on
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
