I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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