The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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