just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
