Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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