I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
