i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
