The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
