i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
