I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
