i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
