Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
