Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
