I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
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