She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
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