Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
