I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
