he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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