Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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