I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
