Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
