I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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