she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
