I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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