So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
