I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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