You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
