Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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