oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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