my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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