I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
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I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
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