if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
