youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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