Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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