Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
