your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
vagina is talking i cant
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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