I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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