Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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