I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
