there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think a kid would responsible me up
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
