Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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