my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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