Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
50% drunk capacity currently
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
