Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
