do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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