You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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