Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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