Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
