Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
