I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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